Technicolor Stomach Snot

I got sick the other day from eating seafood Miso soup. I’m ninety percent sure I got food poisoning, eighty-eight percent sure it was the restaurant Tamarind on Wabash, and seventy-five percent sure it was the crab in the Miso. Vomit and Diarrhea started playing baseball on My Stomach Stadium. It was probably around the top of the third, Vomit up 3-2 with DH Ralph N. Earl on deck when I had the misfortune of putting on CNN Newsroom.

It was a newsday, neither fast nor slow. No elections or terrorist attacks, but a G8 Summit with an accompanying big protest, Putin-Bush missile defense talks, storms, wars, and the Scooter Libby sentencing. And dominating the airtime those two hours was the breaking news: “Paris Hilton out of jail.”

I had thought that Anna Nicole Smith coverage had represented cable news’ nadir, but at least this totally unimportant person had actually done something—tragically died. The current national schadenfreude is much more tenacious. Also famous merely for being famous, Hilton violated probation for DUI—don’t we all know someone who has done something this bad or worse? Well, thanks to an afternoon of CNN, I probably know more about Hilton than I do about some extended family members.

My friends and acquaintances totally despise her and wish she would go away. I’ve given up on both tacks and instead feel bad for 1.) us and 2.) her.

1 1. The public devours whatever it’s fed, even if it's the news equivalent of warm and runny six-week old crab. I know that by writing this I just feed into this poisonous chatter, in a way, but I’m also trying to say that our antipathy is very misdirected, that there are some truly vile people out there, even on CNN itself (“"When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, ‘Oh shut up!' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." –Glenn Beck). I think there’s a healthy anger quota, and, collectively, we shouldn’t spend it so frivolously.

2.

I 2 2. I feel bad for Paris Hilton, because she’s just not that vile. After so much coverage, how could you not have empathy? Yes, she’s probably dumb and rich and classist and pampered, but so are her loudest enemies, and it’s unclear, at this point, what there is to hate except the totally vacuous TMZ.com. According to CNN, the media attention is bringing Paris to tears and nervous collapse, and is there anything America would eat up more voraciously than another "stupid bitch" in pain. Would she be so reviled, or receive so much attention, if she were a man? I doubt it. I hope this poor person is actually stupid, because they’re few things worse than a smart and obscenely rich person who hates everyone.

Symptoms of CNN Newsroom include severe and watery diarrhea of the mind.

Write/Call to register your anger at the residue of the “official news source:”

One CNN Center
Box 105366
Atlanta, GA 30303
Phone: 404-827-1500
Fax: 404-827-1906